These Shorts Are Sure to Be Light, Airy and Hairy
Sam Venable
Department of Irony
As a fossilized native Knoxvillian whose trousers wardrobe consists largely of blue jeans, tan jeans and camo jeans, I have no authority whatsoever to speak about trendy men’s clothes.
Otherwise, I’d be wearing the chip off my Visa buying colorful pairs of cutting-edge guy britches: lace dress shorts.
A friend recently sent me a story, from the fashion website allure.com, which included a photo of these pants. “Not recommended for wear in brier patches and poison ivy,” he noted.
Excellent advice, sartorial or otherwise.
Except for the fabric, these Bermudas look like any other men’s shorts you might see at the beach, on the lake, at a picnic or the golf course.
But lace, for Pete’s sake?
Outside of the fact they appear uncomfortable, these things are perfectly hideous — and thanks to my certified geezer status, I know a thing or three about once-chic, yet grotesque, men’s fashion. Do the words “leisure suit” ring a bell? No more need be said.
I telephoned several local stores and quickly discovered men aren’t knocking down the doors for lace dress shorts. In fact, nobody had even heard of them.
“Let me be clear,” I said to a salesclerk at M.S. McClellan & Co. “I’m 73, so this isn’t something I would ever imagine myself wearing.”
“I’m 24, and I wouldn’t wear them either,” he replied.
Frankly, I didn’t expect McClellan and other purveyors of more traditional clothing to be offering lace pants. But I was surprised that stores catering to younger audiences — including Nothing Too Fancy, Hot Topic, Urban Outfitters and Spencer’s — weren’t swooning over the trend.
“However, if guys start asking for them, I’m sure we’ll be carrying them,” said a clerk at Spencer’s. “Last year, we had men’s one-piece Rompers, and they were very popular.”
(For some reason, I missed that new style too.)
While checking the stores, I also inquired about another hip men’s clothing craze that recently crossed my desk: crop tops. You know, those upper-body women’s thingies that fit like a sausage casing and show plenty of real estate from chest to navel.
Nope, no demand for them yet in Knoxville, either.
Sounds logical, but not because K-town guys aren’t fashion-minded. Just the opposite, in fact. When it comes to putting vast expanses of bushy beer guts on public display, our lads are well ahead of the curve.
Except we don’t call ’em “crop tops.” We call ’em “small T-shirts on XL bellies.”
Available at finer garage sales and flea markets everywhere. They go great with jorts.
Sam Venable is an author, comedic entertainer, and humor columnist for the Knoxville (TN) News Sentinel. His latest book is “The Joke’s on YOU! (All I Did Was Clean Out My Files).” He may be reached at sam.venable@outlook.com .